Stolen from FB – A Gem of a Cover Letter

HELLO I AM NEW TO THIS LOOKING FOR WORKE HAVE BEN A LONG TIME ENPLOYED DO TO CUT BACKS I WAS LAYED OFF I HAVE BEN IN SALES SALES MGR AND SALES FOR OVER 40 YEARS IN CARS SALS & MGR ALSO FERNITURE SALES & MGR HOME INPROVEMENT SALES AND HAD AND RAN A CANVASSING CRUES AND I HAVE ALSO SOLD CLOTHING IN THE PAST I AM WELL VERSED IN SALES OF ALL TYPS AS STSTED ABOVE ARE SOME OF THEM . I AM IN NEED OF WORKE NOW A S A P I AM LOOKING FOR LONG TIME ENPLOYMENT AND TO GROW WITH A CO THAT IS IN A GROTH FAZE I DO NOT HAVE A RESAMAY I AM OLD SCOOL A ONE ON ONE PERSON AND I AM A TEAM PLAYER I LOOK WALK TALK AND ACT YONG 40 ISH GOD HAS BEN GOOD TO ME HOEVER I AN 5? AND IN GRATE HEALTH YES I AM A GODLEY MAN AND I AM TO BE TRUSTED IN ALL WAYES . SO IF YOU ARE IN NEED OF A GRATE SALES MEN / MGR PLEASE CALL I NEED TO GET BACK TO WORKE NOW A S A P PLEASE CALL

Thug Life

The thought of typing this out was daunting to me. But I’ll give it a go.

I was out on a client call when a trio of walk-in applicants came in and asked my partner to schedule interviews. She arranged for ALL THREE of them to come in at the same time yesterday at 1:30. She said that they all ride together (which, incidentally, makes them unlikely candidates in the first place, because the odds of us having three open positions for the same shift at the same client are slim to none) so that’s why she scheduled them together.

In between that time and 1:20, approximately 3 hours, Thug 1 called me THREE TIMES.
Call 1 – she was having difficulty accessing our online application. I emailed her a direct link to the specific website page because she was apparently stupid.
Call 2 – she was asking, if she has a paper resume, can she just bring it to the interview? I said yes, however she still needs to fill out the online app. She moans and groans and then hangs up.
Call 3 – she was calling to ask if we received her online app. We didn’t, but I was sick of her shit and I said she was fine and to just come in at 1:30.

At 1:00, a worker’s compensation employee came in to fill out her paperwork. Worker’s Compensation is srs bidness, y’all. It has to take priority over anything else that I’ve got going on. The paperwork is insane busywork, also. She was a little old lady, anyway, so she took forever to fill them out. 1:20 came and I was trying to finish up with her paperwork, having sent her toddling off to the doctor, and the Thug Trio walked in the door.

Cast of Characters

Recruiter Extraordinaire: Me!
Thug 1: Nice enough, a little ghetto
Thug 2: Very quiet, grunts occasionally, has a big black tattoo of a bear paw on her cheek (??)
Thug 3: Tiny, would not want to mess with her, looks like a scrapper
My Partner: Self explanatory

Thug 1 comes up to my desk, makes eye contact with my partner, waves, goes back to her friends and I hear her say, “Ok they know we’re here.”

Fuck them. I need to finish this paperwork and they’re early. I keep writing frantically.

They spend the next 5 minutes wandering around the waiting room, going in and out while they do their business deals on their phones, and so on.

At 1:26, I hear one of them snarkily ask, “Do they even know we’re here?!?!?”

Sigh.

I cheerily say, “yes, I’ll be right with you!!” Smilesmile.

They grumble to themselves.

So as a humorous counterpart to this story, I introduce the first of the IM exchanges between my partner and myself.

1:29 PMHer
#lazy bunch
Don’t question my authority
1:32 PMMe
ok this bitch is pissing me off
1:36 PMHer
wow dude, I’m sorry about that trio
1:36 PMMe
stressing out
1:36 PMHer
me too
what can i help you with
1:43 PMMe
yeah the one girl stepped up here and made eye contact with you and you waved or whatever, so she told her friends that you knew they were there … it was still 1:25 so I was trying to finish the work comp ppwk … then one of them was like “DOES SHE EVEN KNOW WE’RE HERE” .. ok that ticked me off
1:44 PMHer
oh no way
i thought you gave them ppwrk
1:44 PMMe
that’s when I was like “yes, I’ll be right with you…”
yeah they have it now
1:44 PMHer
sit down and shut up
this isnt [competitor]

Ok so I finally finish the WC paperwork and bring them up to the desk, coincidentally right at 1:30 on the dot. I give them each a clipboard that has a stack of paperwork to fill out.

Thug 1 starts to fill out her paperwork, but then comes up to my desk and says, “I have a resume on my hard drive, can I just email it to you?” I said sure, that was fine. Then she was pissed because I told her on the phone that she had to fill out the app. I clarified, “No, you need to still fill it out, there’s forms there that need your specific signature.” She acted all put out and went back to her chair.

When they were all done, I brought them all up to the desk to conduct a group interview. They all want to come in together, I’m going to interview them together, dammit.

Thug 1 did not answer the question on the application about whether she had any convictions. She said, “But I have a long rap sheet!” Apparently her list of convictions was too long to list on the tiny space that we allowed on the app.

1:44 PMHer
I KNEW IT
they are thug like
“rap sheet” lmao
sorry
this is hilarious
1:46 PMMe
are you enjoying it the one lady just wrote “drugs”
1:47 PMHer
lmao
wait until i contain myself
1:48 PMMe
try hard
deep breaths
1:48 PMHer
i am laughing like I’m in church right now
do you know that laugh
the church laugh
1:48 PMMe
lol yes
haven’t been in a church since I got married but yes

Finally, the interview is done, and I send them back to the video screening room to review our multiple safety videos. Thug 1 tries to come back out to add some charges to her “rap sheet” because she forgot a couple. I told her she can do it after. I want to just send her the hell home.

They begin video 1. 5 minutes later, Thug 2 comes out with three of the assessments that I gave them. She says, “Yeah, my sheet has a-b-c-d-e for the first question but my friend’s sheet only has a-b-c-d.” Patiently I explain that there are multiple versions of the test and they each need to take their own. She huffs back to the room.

1:53 PMHer
#cheaters
omfg
they didnt even watch it all
1:53 PMMe
lawd
2:08 PMMe
I’m not bothering to do drug screens, time enough to do that if/when they actually fill out their online ppwk…
2:09 PMHer
absolutely

Seriously, these women were pieces of work. Thug 1 also came back to my desk several times to add more charges to her “rap sheet.” Thug 3 checked “yes” to the conviction question, but just wrote “Drugs” in the space where she was supposed to write her charges down.

Needless to say, I do not think that we’ll be pursuing positions with any of these individuals.

Let Me Trip Over Myself to Hire You…

Objective:  I’m tired of working thankless jobs and hating my days. I want to do something that pays my bills AND makes me look forward to waking up in the morning.

I spent many years managing an independently-owned store in Town, State, which the owner eventually closed for personal reasons. Since then I have worked a variety of wretched jobs to make ends meet, in the meantime becoming something of a home theater enthusiast. I am often called upon to install theater systems for friends and family and would love to find a job that makes use of my knowledge of and interest in this area. If that doesn’t happen, however, I believe I would be successful in nearly any kind of sales position, for I am an enthusiastic person who loves to talk.

This is an example of a bad resume template.

Walking is not an active.

Socail Intersts

Not so much.

An Hour In My Life

Cast of Characters:

 

Me:  Recruiter of Awesomeness

Moron:  2 pm appointment applicant

Asshat:  10 am appointment applicant

Asshat’s Mom:  Self-explanatory

 

Me:  *working in a frenzy – busy, busy!*

Moron:  *walks in at 1:20 for a 2 pm interview*  Hi, I have a 2 o’clock

Me:  *smiling*  Ok, I will be right with you!  *tries to finish what I’m doing as well as answer calls*

Moron:  *comes back up to me at 1:30*  Um, the reason I was here early was that I DO have another job…

Me:  *sort of shocked at his rudeness*  Oh!  Um, ok… *gives him paperwork*

 

PHONE RINGS OMG ANSWER ME NOWWWW!

Me:  Hello, Recruiter of Awesomeness, what’s up y’all?

Asshat:  Hi I’m on my way for my appointment…

Me:  *glancing at clock* ok well you were supposed to be here at 10 am.

Asshat:  Oh .. uh .. really?

Me:  *inward sigh*  If you come now, I can try to squeeze you in

Asshat:  OK!

 

10 minutes later…

 

Moron comes up and asks questions about the job he’s applying for, questions that were fully covered in the online ad that he answered.  I explain the job requirements, wherein he says he doesn’t have the experience that is required.  He tells me where he works – a VERY menial job, by the way, and not (IMO) nearly important enough for him to have been so rude about demanding I begin the interview early, especially since I know he doesn’t have to be at work until 3.

 

Asshat and Asshat’s Mom walk in.  WHY WOULD YOU BRING YOUR MOM TO A JOB INTERVIEW.  THIS IS THE SECOND TIME THIS WEEK.

 

Asshat pushes her way to the desk and I give her her paperwork.  Moron goes back to finish filling out his.  Ah, a moment of peace!  I try to get some calls done, emails read, and so on.

 

Asshat’s Mom:  Excuse me?!?!?

Me:  Yes?

Asshat’s Mom:  I don’t have internet access so I couldn’t put in an application.  Can I fill out the paperwork too?

Really?  You’re going to ask to do a walk-in when we clearly do appointments only?

Me:  No, sorry.  We need the online application, and within 24 hours of receiving that, I will call you to schedule an interview.

Asshat’s Mom:  How long?

Me:  Within 24 hours…

Asshat’s Mom:  Ok  *walks away*

Me:  *trying frantically to work*

 

Moron:  Ok so uh tell me about this job.

Me:  I thought you weren’t going to continue since you don’t have the required experience?

Moron:  Oh, uh, ok.  *goes back and sit down*

Me:  *???*

Asshat’s Mom:  Where’s the bathroom?

Me:  *sighs and gives her the key*

 

Asshat pushes her way up to my desk to take her ID’s back. She’s not done with her paperwork, she just had to get them RIGHT THAT MINUTE.

 

Me:  *wishes for vodka*

 

Finally my partner finished up her conference call and I told her that Asshat was here, Asshat being her candidate.  She flat-out told Asshat that she’d have to reschedule since her appointment was at 10 am (ha!) 

 

Asshat’s Mom:  So if I put in an application, when will you call me?  4 days?  I didn’t hear you before.

Me:  OMFG Lady, within 24 hours!  Fuck off!  (Last part, I wish)

 

 

Oh honey no.

It is my responsibility to help take care of the customers, making sure they’re always happy by offering them help even without them asking. Work the register, bag their groceries, carry them out to their cars, & stock the shelves.

• Being my first job, I learned to be more responsible.
• Gained confidence when the customers would compliment on the service they had received.

This kid needs some self-esteem…

I am a high school graduate that enjoys math and working with numbers. I follow instruction well and listen to what I am told. I work best in instances where I’ve been given a list of tasks that need completing over a set amount of time and do well at pacing myself if the workload is not too overwhelming. I am also adept at work that requires physical strength such as lifting, carrying, unloading, and moving things. My hours are generally quite flexible and I do not complain.

Education:
A small amount of education in Computer Programming at xxx. 1/2 year attended.
High School Diploma, Anamosa High School; Graduated 2005.

His mommy needs to tell him that he’s special.

Things that should never be on a resume, ever: the word “butt.”

Interest/Profile: Have written a nonfiction book that is just out. There are health chapters of ways to make yourself in better health . This includes much better thinking, butt slim and trim, more hair on head, more attractive, stronger and faster, and a wiser person through special nutrients, products and exercise. In effect 50%+ of the health care cost in the United States could be eliminated.